Radical Acceptance
Written by Danielle Jackson
One thing I know for sure is that life will give you a hand that you didn’t see coming. As a pastor once said, “You are either going through something, coming out of something, or about to go through something.” Circumstances can take us by surprise and be destabilizing.
Change happens by choice; we decide to change jobs, have a new baby, move to a new home, and, by chance, the loss of a loved one, a home, or a layoff. When life happens, even in the best of times, we struggle to find our center or gain control to feel “normal.” We try to control every detail: resources, people, time. Inevitably, we reach our breaking point where we get knocked on our butts and realize we never had control in the first place.
What if when change happens, the first thing we do is try radical acceptance? I know you may be thinking, “Acceptance,” yeah, right? “Do you know who you are talking to? I don’t even hang with people who are like that.” I do not mean to imply you sit down, throw in the towel, and let whatever happens. Nor is it easy. What I mean when I use the word acceptance is to release the idea that you had control of anything in the first place. I was this person. I thought I had it under control, and suddenly, I found myself a widow and a soon-to-be empty nester. In one breath, I was starting over. One cause was death, and the other was what every parent dreams of, my son was soon starting his first adult job after getting his degree. Both situations felt like they were going to break me. Radical acceptance allowed me to fall to pieces and, one by one, build a life that I could not have imagined. It wasn’t easy, and some days, it still isn’t. With the support of a coach and a therapist, I am on a path where I have found joy while I continue to process what life looks like on the other side of change.
So read on to see some suggestions that can help you on the other side of change as you embrace radical acceptance:
Let your heart break or feel joy. Heartbreak and joy are difficult feelings to hold. When we feel heartbreak, we want to numb. When we feel joy, we quickly think of everything that could go wrong. Allowing ourselves to sit in our feelings allows us to learn that, in time, we will find our footing.
Don’t go it alone. A coach, a therapist, or both can help you through the phase of change when you may not know what to do next. As you grow in self-confidence, a coach or therapist can support you with an objective reflection of your progress. Progress comes in tiny ways that a coach can reflect on you, and incremental change builds your confidence to continue to press forward.
What is this here to teach me? Oprah has asked this question many times across several mediums. The beauty of this question is that it implies you have space to make sense of what is happening. “I am super excited to be engaged to be married, so why do I feel like I might lose myself when I get married?”. “I never imagined life without my wife in it, and I feel guilty when I find myself laughing in the company of others”. “I wanted this promotion, so why do I feel so afraid to fail?.” It takes time to unravel these important questions so you can gain confidence in your decisions and choices. We are stronger and more resilient than we believe.
